Reader Mailbag: Strip Club Waitress Edition

Hey, I read your blog on Velvet and I have to say you're missing out on the best strip club in RVA! I'm a waitress at Paper Moon Southside, and our club is by far the most fun, crazy, awesome one in the entire Richmond area...and I dare say...the world! You should come by on a Wednesday for our Girl-Next-Door/Amateur Contest, or on Friday or Saturday, cause those are the best nights. You won't have any convicted killers to write about, but it's a hell of a good time! Plus, we have Power Hour...girl-on-girl porn in your lap! I'll be the short girl with the red hair that glows under black light.Hope to see ya soon! - Strip Club Waitress


Girl on girl porn? In my lap?! Well "strip club waitress", dare I say that girl on girl porn and my lap go together like spaghetti and meatballs. You've just managed to tickle my buying bone, which also happens to be my penis. I'll send word ahead of my arrival. Expect me in the next 2-3 weeks.



....These types of emails reaffirm my love for blogging.

Bartender Thoughts From Halloween

-All bartenders hate working on Halloween night and all bartenders generally make ooodles of cash on Halloween night. Catch-22? I mean, is that a Catch-22? I don't know. Maybe it's a "slippery slope" or a "false dilemma" or even what they call "denying the antecedent". I'm fucking with you, I failed the shit out of Philosophy class. All I know is that I worked Halloween, and it was crazy busy with a bunch of yokels, and I made some loot.

-Another Halloween observation: Why is every girl dressed like a slut-bag? For once I'd like to see a hot girl dressed like a pineapple instead of being a slutty police officer or a slutty cat. I don't even think real cats can be slutty. I mean I like tits as much as the next guy, but use a little creativity ladies. A waitress from my work went as Sophia from the Golden Girls and lemme tell ya, there was nothing sexy about that. But it worked because it was funny and she actually put some thought into it.

-I bought a gorilla suit for Halloween, but came to realize that there was no way I could wear it while bartending. Too hot, too much hair to deal with. I would've ended the night with rashes in places where you least want rashes and customers would've kept getting little black gorilla pubes in their drinks. Nevertheless, I am now the proud owner of a gorilla suit. Something tells me that this will benefit me greatly one day.

Lap Dance Lies

*My first boner.

I found out awhile ago that blogging and now this tweeting nonsense gives me very little privacy. It's not that I mind thousands of people hearing about my sexual adventures (mostly misadventures) or even my bowel movements. I don't know most of these thousands (ok, hundreds) of people anyways. What I do mind is when one or two people that I'm close with (girlfriend, mom) find out about certain misdeeds via my social media outlets. It makes trips to the strip club and lies about my work schedule a little more difficult to conceal. With that in mind...

I visited Scores in Baltimore a few nights ago. Scores is a halfway decent strip club. For my local readers, it's like Baltimore's version of south side Richmond's Paper Moon, only with hotter girls and no panties. Not that I think she'll mind, but I sort of omitted this information when describing the trip to my girlfriend.

I wish I could sit here and regale you with stories of wet lap dances, ass cracks used as coke plates, making it rain and going all "Pac Man" on some triflin' bitches, but I can't. It was uneventful. I had some guido tell me not to talk to the bartender because she was his girlfriend, which made ordering drinks a bit of a challenge. I put some crispy ones in a few G strings. I sat around and tried to act cool and aloof. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I concluded two things from all of this: Any future trips to Richmond's strip clubs will be disappointing and that being in a relationship takes away from the gentleman's club experience. Half of the excitement of paying to be around naked women is the thought that maybe, just maybe, one of them will sleep with you. Knowing that I couldn't anyways sucked, cause I mean a couple of them totally wanted to, I could just tell. They weren't faking it with me. Seriously bro. This one girl....

Who am I kidding.


PS. Let's keep this blog post secret, okay guys?

Punch Drunk # 8

"As a bar fight always tends to do, it made me wonder whether I’m in the right line of work. Bars are inherently unsafe. Some much more so than others, but anywhere the alcohol flows and people congregate will always have that powder-keg potential." - "Bruise-Free Brews" Punch Drunk # 8 - Style Weekly

Everyone is an MMA douche these days, especially after 14 beers. Go read my latest column here or grab a print copy at the nearest big red box with an (S) on it.

I Said The Word "Asshole" In Richmond Magazine

Lauterback says he does worry about the effect his blog could have on his future employment — “I’ll always be one Google search away from a lot of ridiculous things” — but for now, he’s riding the wave and plans to explain to potential bosses that he wrote the blog in his mid-20s, when he was “partying a lot.” - Richmond Magazine Nov. 09'


Article in the new Richmond Mag about bloggers and the effects their blogs have on their employment. I managed to come off as a huge dickhead as usual. Probably because they interviewed me at 10 AM after a long nights work. You can read the entire piece here.

The Martin Agency Is Not Mad Men

As most of my local readers know, Richmond is home to one of the preeminent advertising agencies in the world, The Martin Agency. Best known for its work with Geico (The Gekko, The Cavemen and now the "Somebodies Watching Me" eyeballs ad), UPS ( the dude drawing on a whiteboard, "What can Brown do for you), those annoyingly catchy FreeCreditReport.com ads, and probably some other great stuff that I'm too lazy to look up. According to Wiki they are the number three ranked ad agency in the world with over 600,000,000 in billings, fiscal 08'. That's crazy money, that's GDP of Norway type money. Who would've guessed that our own lil Richmond was harboring such advertising genius?

As most of you also know, I'm a devoted follower of MadMen, so of course I've always wanted to think that everyone at the Martin Agency dressed to the nines, used the drink as a means for finding their creative expression, chased skirts and generally behaved like animals.

Much to my wild imagination's chagrin, this doesn't seem to be the case.

I know a few "Martinites" through my bars and from other places and they're just like you and me. They have beards, they dress sort of frumpy, they come and quaff 3 dollar margaritas for happy hour. Most of them don't even chain smoke. I'd even be willing to bet that the majority of people who work at the Martin Agency are not involved in extramarital affairs. What the fuck? This is advertising bitches!

Well I think I can help them out.

The story is that the creative guy behind the UPS white board commercials is in fact the guy who is in the commercials doing the drawings. You know the guy, longer black hair, expressionless, wields an eraser and dry-erase marker like a young Bob Ross. Apparently after screen tests he was the best at it. I also hear this guy (Andy Azula) frequents some of the bars I do here in Richmond.

Here's my idea: Get this hippie a haircut, a pack of Lucky Strikes, less Brooks Brothers and more Saville Row, a few 21 year old VCU mistresses (which I can help find) and what do we have? You guessed it. Draper.

Ok Martin Agency, lets cut this effeminate artist act and butch the place up...And I only mean that for the men there, the women are already butch enough. Go get em team!

* "Peggy, move my 5 o'clock to never, get me a drink and tell Betty I'm staying in the city tonight. Jack Goes Forth and I have plans."

The Things We Email, But Do Not Say

Jack: I'm out of it...Stayed up til 6, making babies...It was fun.
PS. I never wear a lil hat like I'm supposed to. You interested in being a godfather?

Someone: Wait your not really considering having a child are you? Be careful, it only takes one time!

Jack: Noooooo, it's just that we sometimes aren't very careful. C'mon you know me.... Wire coat hanger? check. Vaseline? check. Tissues for the massive blood loss? double check. Dumpster? checkeroo.

Someone: Gross.

Jack: I wouldn't take her to that hoity toity abortion clinic on Grove Ave either... That shit would probably cost me two arms and two legs.

Get it? Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night. Please tip your waitress.

Someone: You're living up to your well-earned reputation this morning.

- Email exchange 10/21/09




Did you enjoy this post? Are you into blood like I am? Here's another period/baby/sex JGF classic: ASighOfRelief.